Shadow Stealing: An Urban Fantasy Adventure

Devon and I’d been sparring, which seemed to bring her toward the surface. But every time she got near, I got nervous.

“I know you’re scared, but come on, Kyann. Please try.” Devon leaned forward, taking hold of my hands. “You can do this.”

“Okay.” I closed my eyes and dropped my head forward, searching for her. She’d been close to the surface lately, ever since I met my father and half-brother. It was as though meeting them jogged a recognition deep inside, and now my demon was curious. But I was afraid to let her out. What if I lost control? What if she wanted to join them? And that wasn’t going to happen.

Where are you…I inhaled and held my breath, searching for her. Please come out.

You never let me play, came the breathy reply.

Then, just as swiftly, she was there, peering out of the dark well in which I kept her. She flashed me a crooked smile and began to creep out, reminding me of a praying mantis. As she emerged, I began an exercise Devon had given me. I held out my arms to her, and—to my surprise—she slipped in for an embrace.

At first it felt like I was holding a live wire, but as the shock wore down, I felt the bond between us grow. She was separate, still, but I could feel the connection, down to the very core. We belonged together. I felt stronger with her in my arms, and she seemed more compliant and less belligerent. I wasn’t sure what caused the shift, but I welcomed it.

I turned to Devon, with her riding on my shoulder. “What next?”

“Next, we have to integrate the two of you, so you no longer keep her separate. When you were little, something had to have happened. Something that frightened you. You split her away and shoved her deep down, locking the lid on her. We have to break that wall. You have to be whole, to no longer feel like she’s separate. That includes referring to that part of yourself as “she” rather than “me.” Do you understand?”

I walked away from him to sit on the weight bench. “What do I need to do?”

“Find the point where she broke off. What made you hide her? Think back.”

It was like peeling off layers of gauze, unwrapping a mummy. I sought for the time when she left me, when I forced her away.

What had happened? What caused it?

A milky fog covered my memories, spiraling around me as it tried to cloak the hidden truth. I brushed through the mist, waving swirls aside. I wanted to know, but I was fighting myself, I was fighting the part of me who didn’t want to remember.

It wasn’t my demon. She wanted out. She was trying to help me sort through the blur of images. No, it was another part of myself—a fear that had grown so strong that it took on weight and form. I dug deeper, harder, looking for the key.

What had happened? Why had I split off the strongest part of myself?

I can protect you far better than you can, she whispered in my ear. I can fight back in a way you can’t, because you’re too nice. You’re too afraid of making a mistake and regretting it. I don’t have that regret. I can act immediately.

But what if you do make a mistake? How can I live with that?

How do you know if it’s actually a mistake? You thought you made a mistake, so many years ago when we were still one being. You thought we were bad and that our mother would hate us. I wish you would have told her…

And then…

***

I was toddling around the apartment, barely four. My mother was in the kitchen, making dinner. A stranger was sitting on the sofa, talking to her from the living room. I didn’t like him—he felt dangerous and he scared me. But Mama told me to call him “uncle” and she got irritated when I refused to give him a hug.

Mama couldn’t see us from where she was making dinner. And I—I was toddling around the room, alone with him. I tried to stay away, because he scared me. I’d look at him and see a dark shadow around him. I turned toward the kitchen, ready to go find Mama, but the man caught me up in his arms. He smelled like lies.

“You want me to put her to bed?” he called.

I didn’t want him touching me. I tried to kick and I started to cry. But he glared at me, and then clapped his hand over my mouth.

“What did you say?” my mother called.

“I said, I’ll put her to bed, if you like.” The man sounded too excited, too eager.

“Thanks, Jim.” Mama sounded tired.

But we weren’t headed for my bedroom. He carried me toward the front door. Something was wrong, he meant to take me away from my mother. He was the scary boogie man under the bed. He was the shadow man in the dark. I bit his finger and screamed as he jerked his hand away from my mouth.

“Kyann, are you all right?” My mother sounded frantic.

The man yanked open the door. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t let him hurt me and Mama was screaming, and her own fear fed mine.

“No!” I kicked, but he held me fast.

“No!” My anger and fear were rising. I had to get away from him. “No! Bad man!”

He ran into the hallway and I screamed again, but this time all my fear and anger poured into my words, and the next moment, we were falling. I landed hard on my side, but the big man landed harder. He was staring at the ceiling, not moving and blood was staining the carpet from a gash on his neck where I’d bitten him.

I crawled away as Mama ran out into the hallway. She took one look at him and a horrified look spread across her face. She slowly turned to look at me, and I saw fear in her eyes.

I had scared my mother. Would she still love me? Would she give me away?

And right then, I knew I could never let that happen. Somewhere, in the depths of my mind, I saw the little girl who had hurt the bad man, and I shoved her in a closet and locked the door. Then, I held out my arms to my mother and she scooped me up.

I snuggled into her arms and she held me tight, staring at the dead man, and then everything went black and I woke up the next morning, and everything was okay.

The little girl who I played with—my imaginary friend—had retreated. I wasn’t sure why she had gone, but I missed her. She had been my protector, but now, she’d disappeared. As everything from the night before began to grow fuzzy, the only thing I knew was that my safety shield had vanished. The world felt far more threatening, and right then, I realized that even my mother couldn’t protect me, so I’d better learn how to protect myself. And I had to do it without frightening Mama. Right then, I built the walls, both inner and outer, and walked alone in my private castle.

***

“Holy fuck,” I said. “I killed a man when I was…Four? He was going to kidnap me. He was a pedophile and he was going to…” I stared at Devon. “I was so afraid that my mother wouldn’t love me if I hurt anybody, that I shut my demon away. She was the one who had saved me. Or rather…that part of me, saved me. It was so hard to accept that my mother couldn’t protect me and I knew she felt so guilty for putting me in harm’s way.”

“Do you think, truly, that she blamed you?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Now, of course not. That was around that time she stopped bringing men home. She let her boyfriends pick her up out in front of the apartment buildings we lived in, but she never again brought a man inside the house. I never met another boyfriend.”

“She was protecting you,” Devon said. “She didn’t blame you. She probably blamed herself.”

“I can see that now,” I said, slowly piecing together the pieces. “But in my fear and worry over losing my mother’s love, I took on that blame. And I locked away the part of myself that I thought she hated and feared.” I let out a shaky breath. “How could I have blocked all of this out?”

“PTSD. That was a terrifying experience. You knew, in your heart, that he was dangerous and out to hurt you. You prevented him from kidnapping you, but as a little child, you could only do it in the way that you knew how—and that was to kill him.” He frowned. “I wonder who it was. The cops had to have come, because…dead man in the hallway.”

“Yeah. I don’t remember. I don’t even know where we were living at that time. I remember a little about the apartment, but I have no clue where the building was located.” I took another deep breath, then suddenly realized something. “Devon?”

“Yes?”

I searched, calling out for my inner demon. She was there, but she was in my aura…her energy was now bound to my energy. Her strength rushed through my body, melding with my own. Everything inside was quiet. My demon was no longer a separate entity—we were together. We were…me.

“She’s with me. It’s so different. Usually she watches from a corner. But now, there’s just me, only stronger. I can feel magic inside that I’ve never felt before. I feel I could blast something with a fireball.” I tried to examine the energy but the new strength distracted me.

I glanced up at rings hanging from the ceiling. I usually could manage a few minor tricks—the rings were hard—but now, I crouched, then leaped up, grabbing hold of them. I raised myself up, holding my arms stiff in a support hold. Then, I raised my legs into a pike, then spread my legs and closed them again. Yesterday, I’d only been able to manage the support hold. I took a deep breath and pivoted into a handstand, then—slowly swinging down—I dropped back to the floor.

“How could integrating my demon give me this much more strength and control?” I asked, barely able to believe what I’d just done.

Devon stared at me, his eyes wide. “Well, that was impressive. I know how much you were struggling with it. The Arosiens are among the strongest of the Demonkin—at least, what you would call the civilized ones. There are plenty of demonic monsters from the Elder Gallara who could mop the floor with you, your father, and your brother, and not break a sweat.”

“The Elder Gallara?”

“Never mind that for now. Just hope that none of them break through to this side of the planes,” he said. “But the Arosiens…they have tremendous physical control.”

“So, my Arosien blood gives me the muscle control?”

He nodded. “And you didn’t have access to that when you separated your demonic side and locked it away.” With a smile, he added, “I’m going to call Seton and tell him the news. He’ll be glad to hear it. This is a massive leap in your development.”

“What about…” I paused, not sure how to ask. “What about when I get angry? How do I control myself if she’s no longer locked away?”

“Like anything else. Willpower.” Devon placed his hand on my shoulder. “You have to take responsibility for yourself. You can’t blame your ‘inner demon’ for losing control anymore. You’re integrated now. You just needed to break through that wall.”

I nodded. “I get it. I’ll be cautious. Okay, is that it for today?”

He shook his head. “No, given you just upped your strength factor, why don’t you get back on those rings and see what you can do?”

I sucked in a deep breath. “All right. Let’s go,” I said, before leaping back up to catch hold of the rings.

***

All the way home, I thought about what had happened. I kept reaching out, searching, but she was no longer there in the way she used to be. She was now a part of me, no longer watching and waiting for a chance to escape. It was awkward, like learning a new skill.

“Crap,” I said, staring at the red light as I waited for it to change. “Have I been holding those memories hostage, so that I didn’t have to accept who I am?”

I’d never been ashamed of my heritage, but I never wanted my mother to see me as different. Obviously, I wanted to prove to her that I was safe to love. I’d let myself down because of a pervert from my childhood.

He deserved what he got. I just wish I could talk to my mother about all of it now.

I pulled into the driveway and turned off the ignition, suddenly so tired that I wanted to go to bed. The evening had been emotionally exhausting. And yet…I felt whole in a way I never had. I slipped out of the car and headed inside. I couldn’t wait to tell my best friend, Penn, about what happened.